Friday, August 13, 2010

The Lost Dream !

I knew I would come here one last time, what I didn't know was that it would take me three years to have the heart to do it. It seemed so different, just like one of the three storey houses designed by Architects these days. Grey stone on the outer walls, an iron gate, huge glass windows overlooking the now beautified park of our Block and the home that my Dadaji built for us was nowhere to be seen. I sighed remembering the last time I was here with Papa.

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The empty drawing room like all the other rooms was shrieking of being ripped off like our emotions. The showcase still had our collection of showpieces Papa had bought over the years, a silver peacock he gifted Mummy on her second Birthday after marriage; Photo frames having pictures of Mummy-Papa's wedding Day, Me on my third Birthday wearing a new Navy Blue frock holding a hat; the beautiful doll I always wanted to dress like on my wedding day.


All the walls and the roof seemed to close in and before I knew, the tears I had been holding on to for so long, started rolling down. Each nook and corner of this place held memoirs of our lives. My childhood with Dadaji, how he used to hide me under the bed to save me from my Dadiji, He used to carry me in his lap and take me for a walk in the park in front of our home. Walking out into the gallery I saw the place where I parked my first tricycle.

Turning around I saw the famous hideout of all my cousins while playing hide and seek just behind the staircase and between all the Iron trunks which always contained so many quilts and bedding that would suffice for a complete baraat. I used to wonder why Dadiji keeps so many of them and then they would come handy when all my cousins would come over during their summer vacations and we would move the beds out and spread them on the floor and all of us would cuddle up and chatter till the wee hours of the mornings we would spend together. Those days always brought a smile on my face, not to forget all the teachings I got from all my cousins as I was the youngest of the lot and had so much scope to learn about all the mischievous stuff from them.


The wall which was once hidden behind our study table still had its impression and I could picture all the times my brothers and I used to fight on who would get a chance on the computer. A coughing sound brought me out of my reverie and I saw Papa standing in the backyard verandah, I could see the sheen of fresh tears in his eyes. What was he wondering.. and the days when we used to bath in the Rains there, came in front of me and how my brothers would practice all the skidding stunts on the wet floor and got the scolding from Mummy.

Papa sensed me around and turned away, moments later he looked at me and said "Let's Go". I could say no more. We locked all the doors and the main gate of what was left there for one last time and got into the car. I knew then this isn't the last time. The forty five minutes of our ride to our new abode were spent in Silence.


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I was estranged from the surroundings, I could walk those roads with my eyes closed but today they had led me to a place as alien as it could have been. The Gulmohar Trees, in front of our old home were cut down and a pavement with two chairs had taken their place.

A familiar face crossed by and Narula Aunty stopped to notice me standing there. I had been to her place on every navratra pooja and even after I had grown enough not to be considered a Kanjak, she had still sent my share of prasad to my Mummy. After exchanging our greetings she told me how things have changed around, she told me about few of my brother's friends who had moved to hostel for further studies and about so many other things which I could not catch as I had again drifted into another world.


After bidding adieu to her I turned around and entered the park, finding the nearest bench I sat there remembering the times when all 3 of us kids had flown Kites with Papa and our friends on Independence Day. That hullabaloo was not there anymore, it was serene and the fragrance of flowers was every where. A new generation of kids were playing at the far end and I realized the good ol' times have slipped away just like sand from the hands.


This was no longer my Dadaji's Home, this was no longer where I belonged, this was no longer where I had imagined getting married like few of my cousins, so that I could get his blessings. The dream got lost into reality and the connection snapped.. !



Link to --> www.thebanyantrees.com

Sunday, August 8, 2010

* The Blame Game *

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Me: Why Me.. ??
He: It was your Choice, You knew what would happen.
Me: Yes.. but I hoped You would turn around things.. You could have made it better..
He:
Silence
Me: What..? Say something..
He:
Smile
Me: Yes, I knew it, but You know, I had imagined the better outcomes too.. You could have picked out of the ones I imagined..
He: You think I could have?

Me: Of course.. I mean.. Why not.. You can choose to do what ever you want !

He: I always leave it to you to make the choices, once I have showed where they lead you to !
Me: But.. You still can change the path or the destination if you want.

He:
Can I?
Me: OB.. You Can..
YOU ARE GOD.. So why did you NOT.. for me.. ?
He:
The Serene Smile
Me: Now what is this smile all about .. .. ?

He: You Know

Me: NO.. I don't..

He: Staring with the same Smile

We Both:
Laugh
He: Come on.. What about one of your miracles.. ?
He: You know it my Child
Me: What.. ??
He: Miracles Happen only if You have Faith in them.
Me: SIGH !! आपसे बहस में कौन जीत सकता है !
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I do wonder at times, If I actually have such conversations with HIM or is it I am talking to myself.. I know better.. I do connect with him ! There would be times when I would be talking to him all miffed up with something and he would calm me down with an embrace of cool, pleasant breeze or peck on my cheeks .. :) It would rain whenever I need it the most.. He would choose the perfect songs matching my mood or state of mind on the radio (You would say - Its the job of a Radio Jockey).. But there are so many such events/signals that happen every now and then..

Coming back to the conversation I had with Him... What do you think? Is it actually Us who choose or is it Him who makes the choices in our head.. Of course He is the one who has written everything beforehand for all of us and all we do is walk those paths.. "I don't think so.." What I believe is, he has written a Master Plan for us and has left to us what we do with it !
He shows us so many paths and leaves the choices to us.. He gives us a base and we with our own attitude (Positive or Negative) decide the course of our Lives..

I try not to be one of those who blame God for everything that happens in their Lives... I know if something is happening either it is because I chose it or its because of one of my own deeds in the past.. Yes, you thought it right.. Our Balance Sheets are maintained or call it our score board.. In fact I so much liked it in the movie - Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic.. the way Rishi Kapoor (playing the role of The God in the movie) fulfilled everyone's wishes.. Now what was his fault when your timings for the wishes were not perfect.. So watch out what and when you Wish for.. You never know when he grants you one..

Also, I do know that whatever be the case He is always there with me.. If I am right - He supports me, If I am wrong - He treads me towards the right path.. He wipes my tears when I cry and makes my eyes twinkle when I laugh.. I have always been and I shall always be Thankful to Him for all that he has given me in Life.. !

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What they Say ..

This is not churned out of my head its just what I read and liked.. and I am sharing it here.
It's a French Poem, though I did not understand French but I read its English translation.. so I am posting both of them, First the French and then the English version:

Les Roses de Saadi

by Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

J'ai voulu ce matin te rapporter des roses ;
Mais j'en avais tant pris dans mes ceintures closes
Que les noeuds trop serrés n'ont pu les contenir.

Les noeuds ont éclaté. Les roses envolées
Dans le vent, à la mer s'en sont toutes allées.
Elles ont suivi l'eau pour ne plus revenir.

La vague en a paru rouge et comme enflammée.
Ce soir, ma robe en est toute embaumée.
Respires-en sur moi l'odorant souvenir


The Roses of Saadi

I wanted you to have roses this morn,
And stuffed a lot of them in my snug dress,
In my tight belt I could not all shoehorn.


The knots gave way, and threw them all around,
To wind and sea they were all gone forlorn
To flow with water, never will come round.


The waves were crimson red as if on fire.
This eve my dress is drenched in their fragrance,
Breathe it and keep it to your heart's desire.


Translated by Thomas D. Le


Saturday, July 3, 2010

StaRsTrUcK ... !!

This is about a girl who fell in Love.. We have always heard people say that there is no age for Love and yet there is so much HOOPLA about the Sweet Sixteen age .. and yes She fell in Love when she was Sixteen!


The First time she saw him, she didn't much pass him a second look.. thinking probably another guy on the block to make it big; Never did she know that HE would be the guy of her Dreams.. Somehow she got to see more of him and quite often.. She was not one of those easily impressed by someone and she never believed in Love at first Sight.. but his genuineness made her notice him every now and then.. She got to know that he was very sincere about his career and his work.. (yes, he was working while she was still in school). She started respecting him when she got to know how hard he has worked to reach where he was, how he has fought every odd to prove himself.


She never had experienced such passion and dedication for anything, which made her wonder and see new aspects about life !
It is when someone makes you think a li'l हट के that you get connected in someway.


And then he swept her off her feet with his Charm and magnetism.. Her heart would start racing when he would smile.. She would find excuses to be around him all the time, watching him.. She would always be up and running to have any kind of information about him.. what he likes to wear.. what is his fav dish.. his fav places.. his hobbies... and what not.. Everything about him pulled her towards him.. and He always brought a smile on her face.. She was so "LOST in LOVE", she did not even know herself..


Not all Love stories have a happy ending.. .. The man of her dreams, her First Love... married a beautiful young lady he was in Love with since his adolescence... and went on to have two kids.. She accepted the fate... she is very happy for him and his family... and wishes the very best for them...
But as they say.. A Girl never forgets her First Love.. She still Loves him (but in a different way).

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Death - A Morbid End or Much More

The thought behind this one is also very weird like the ones behind my other posts. The other day I was watching the movie Delhi 6 and there was a scene in which Wahida Rehman (Abhishek Bachchan’s Dadi in the movie) is buying a vessel as part of a shopping spree she is on for her death and then Abhishek Bachchan says how can anyone go and shop or plan one’s own death and then himself counters that – We cannot decide how we are born but at least we can plan how we will want to die.


So that is when I wondered that I simply Love the Family I am born into, I am so glad to have my parents as my parents, not to forget my brothers but would it be wrong, stupid or sad to think how am I going to die.. Oh believe me.. I have imagined all kinds of uncanny ways in which I might. Since childhood, I have been very FILMY and every time I used to watch a Hindi Movie (knowing how melodramatic they all are) I would imagine my headache as some Brain Tumor or Cancer. Or probably one day I might just wake up and realise that I have Amnesia and I don't know who I am.. also, the famous hospital bed scenes where the patient is taking loooooong breathes as his/her last ones... Ya.. you are right I have always been a complete nautanki... !!

Anyhow(ya ya got drifted again), I am just thinking.. what is so Scary about death? Why such strange reactions while we mention it? Why is it considered so inauspicious? We all know that we were born and we will die one day.. Is it this knowledge of the end that horrifies us?


Fear of Heights: I might fall.. Fear from Water: I might drown.. Claustrophobia: I might choke.. Fear from animals even tiny-miny pests: They might be poisonous.. and "I might Die" - Is this not the core reason behind all these.. I just hope I always fight any kinds of fear I have (Though, I don't have any of these mentioned above.. :D ) So far what I fear most is being left alone and loosing my loved ones or people I care for.. (even because of so many other reasons than The Morbid End)


I have wondered what would I want - to be inscribed on my Gravestone or rather I should say My Photograph (as I am a Hindu) after I am gone.. (whenever that would be). Of course I have got so many Ideas like - The Fairy Tale Girl.. The Family Glue.. This ones the latest - I Love Luv Storys (inspired from the latest hindi movie).. but the one that wins over is "Always Loved".. and that is what I want till I live and even after that..


So my point here is - oh no no - I am not going on a shopping spree for my death, anytime soon (of course I can't guarantee anything for the future).. ;)

Even if we know its going to rain the day after, do we take out our umbrellas today? Even if we think that we might not win, do we stop participating in the Race? Even if we know we might not be loved back, do we stop loving? So what if we know that we will die some day, why to fear living today?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Mere Yaar ki Shaadi hai.. !!

Its so strange that how certain thoughts simply bounce out of your sub conscious mind to its.. oh so active counter-part; the way I jump out of my half asleep state when a forgotten chore pricks in the back of my mind and awakes me when all I want to do is doze off into the beautiful world of dreams !! Sometimes these are just random thoughts.. sometimes sparked by a varied chain .. .. .. .. Like this one .. .. .. .. ..

Would you believe that off late all my Girl Friends are being fixed up (I know you would), not that either of the Guys are spared (The most obvious reason stated is "Its The Right Age"). With all the happiness surrounding the alliances, whether Love or Arranged, it makes me accept the hard fact that The Time is changing and so are we; New Relationships are forming and Old ones are taking New Shapes. Being my hopeful self, I believe the change would be good but that doesn't stop me from missing all the dearest people I met in my life !!

As I like reading, I have come across so many citations about Friends... Somehow this one just has stuck with me... A Friend is someone You like as a person other than yourself !! The series of Questions that sprang in my head after reading this made me realize so many things about myself and the friends I have. I have met many people so far.. very few have made it to the closely knit circle of friends I have... each one of them so different yet having so much in common... making their OWN SPECIAL place in my HEART.. my LIFE too... !

They have made me face my vices, know my strengths and refined me as a person all along. Its with me (or Is it with you guys too?) that I seem to get infected with all kinds of 'Keetanu' (that's how I call it, Hindi Translation for Germs) from my friends.. imbibing their habits, their language, their way of thinking.. It doesn't stop here, I even start behaving the way they do for a li'l while. Few Keetanu stay and few are cured with time ! And as I now see them I know my 'Keetanus' also play havoc in their minds every now and then. With this Inter-Exchange of Thoughts, Smiles, Laughter, Arguments, Moments and much more; The Journey has been Simply Wonderful .. .. .. .. "The Friend-Ship continues to sail as I Cherish each GEM Life has Gifted Me and is going to Gift me moving ahead".

Monday, January 4, 2010

Advise

Ever wondered .. What would you ADVISE your younger self if you get to meet them??

You never know what will trigger your thoughts or reactions but there are times when you just look at something and you travel into a different world altogether. When I was younger, I don't remember if I ever had any affinity towards books, reading/studying was kind of a boring task which I had to finish before Papa noticed and started scolding. Though I always liked reading short stories and would always finish reading all the Chapters of our English Literature Curriculum, I never realized, I would like reading. And now just getting into a Book store makes me happy and lifts my mood no matter how bad I am feeling... :D

One such incident made me read a Book Title - What would you advise your younger self if you get to meet them?? I don't know why but I didn't pick the book to check its contents.. I think wasn't prepared to explore it. The Line still boggles in my head making me wonder what I would do or anybody else would do if they meet their younger and immature versions...

Shweta, 3 Year Old, A cute little girl wearing a Navy Blue Strappy Frock with White lace on the neck and the hem and a matching little handbag.. Oh I always loved to dress up. :D Knowing myself with Kids I would simply pick her up and kiss her and adore her... She never talked to strangers but was always a good listener so I would tell her stories or rather incidents that will happen in her future and see her eyes enlarge at every unfolding twist.. Oh Cho Chweet.. :D

Shweta, 6 Year Old, A girl with a Lady Like attitude, angry most of the time on seeing all the attention shift to her new born twin brothers, I would go and hold her hand and tell her that she loves them and she is the one who prayed to have them. Ask her to look at both of them looking so cute and fragile while they sleep and how looking at them makes her love them even more. The way she is happy and excited to have them and ready to pick them up at every little chance she gets, everyone else in her family also wants to do the same. That doesn't mean they have forgotten her but they have got new members in the family to shower their love along with hers. I would then kiss her and leave her to ponder over what I said. I know she will do that and will sigh after she accepts the fact that no matter what she loves her brothers like any of her precious possessions.

Shweta, 12 Year Old, A girl as lost as anyone could be. Always looks around as if she is in some Alien world even though she had known her fellow classmates right from the day she first came to this school, she still doesn't know them and is baffled to see them grow and get ready for world she thinks she ll never belong to. I will give her a Jaadu ki Jhappi and tell her that everything will be fine and there will be a day when she ll feel wanted among the people around her because she ll choose and include them in her life and cherish them all along. Also, as much as she loathes studying now, she ll miss it and she ll be blessed with a mentor who ll develop her outlook making her life worth living.

Shweta, 15 Year Old, A girl who is always too scared in her heart from every possible person of opposite sex but pretends otherwise and irritates her classmates by being rude. Ill sit beside her for a tête-à-tête.. give her courage and advise her constantly to share what she is scared off with her family and seek them.. their love and support. And assure her that things will be fine and every wrong deed is punished and she has to choose if SHE wants to punish or leave it to God.

Shweta, 18 Year Old, A making of a Young lady out in a new world .. away from the so called secure walls of school days and discipline, On her own.. exploring herself, choosing her friends. I would just sit at a far distance and observe and smile at the developments she is making because she already advised herself then what I would have advise her now.

Shweta, 21 Year Old, A Fresher out of college into her first job, more confident than she ever was, proud of what she managed to do with herself in her graduation years.. ready to take on the world with a little bit excitement and a little bit nervousness . I would meet and shake her hand and make her feel respected for her education and behaviour and not checked out for her looks. I will tell her to trust her intuition and instincts in all possible ways and situations and take up challenges that come her way more sportingly and not to loose hope so easily. I will tell her "She has more to herself than she thinks she does".

Shweta, 24 Year Old, A lady kind of settled too much in her job and scared to move on and take up ventures. I would go and give her a piece of someone's mind (not mine because I still don't have the right one.. :D) and tell her to be more ambitious and hardworking. Will ask her to train herself for an MBA course, prepare and crack entrance exams and not just sit and stay lost in her fantasy world. Things don't fall in your lap lady... you have to stretch yourself and grab them.

Shweta, Now, You tell what I should tell myself or may be I ll wait for my future self to travel through a Time Machine and meet me.. :D