Friday, August 13, 2010

The Lost Dream !

I knew I would come here one last time, what I didn't know was that it would take me three years to have the heart to do it. It seemed so different, just like one of the three storey houses designed by Architects these days. Grey stone on the outer walls, an iron gate, huge glass windows overlooking the now beautified park of our Block and the home that my Dadaji built for us was nowhere to be seen. I sighed remembering the last time I was here with Papa.

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The empty drawing room like all the other rooms was shrieking of being ripped off like our emotions. The showcase still had our collection of showpieces Papa had bought over the years, a silver peacock he gifted Mummy on her second Birthday after marriage; Photo frames having pictures of Mummy-Papa's wedding Day, Me on my third Birthday wearing a new Navy Blue frock holding a hat; the beautiful doll I always wanted to dress like on my wedding day.


All the walls and the roof seemed to close in and before I knew, the tears I had been holding on to for so long, started rolling down. Each nook and corner of this place held memoirs of our lives. My childhood with Dadaji, how he used to hide me under the bed to save me from my Dadiji, He used to carry me in his lap and take me for a walk in the park in front of our home. Walking out into the gallery I saw the place where I parked my first tricycle.

Turning around I saw the famous hideout of all my cousins while playing hide and seek just behind the staircase and between all the Iron trunks which always contained so many quilts and bedding that would suffice for a complete baraat. I used to wonder why Dadiji keeps so many of them and then they would come handy when all my cousins would come over during their summer vacations and we would move the beds out and spread them on the floor and all of us would cuddle up and chatter till the wee hours of the mornings we would spend together. Those days always brought a smile on my face, not to forget all the teachings I got from all my cousins as I was the youngest of the lot and had so much scope to learn about all the mischievous stuff from them.


The wall which was once hidden behind our study table still had its impression and I could picture all the times my brothers and I used to fight on who would get a chance on the computer. A coughing sound brought me out of my reverie and I saw Papa standing in the backyard verandah, I could see the sheen of fresh tears in his eyes. What was he wondering.. and the days when we used to bath in the Rains there, came in front of me and how my brothers would practice all the skidding stunts on the wet floor and got the scolding from Mummy.

Papa sensed me around and turned away, moments later he looked at me and said "Let's Go". I could say no more. We locked all the doors and the main gate of what was left there for one last time and got into the car. I knew then this isn't the last time. The forty five minutes of our ride to our new abode were spent in Silence.


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I was estranged from the surroundings, I could walk those roads with my eyes closed but today they had led me to a place as alien as it could have been. The Gulmohar Trees, in front of our old home were cut down and a pavement with two chairs had taken their place.

A familiar face crossed by and Narula Aunty stopped to notice me standing there. I had been to her place on every navratra pooja and even after I had grown enough not to be considered a Kanjak, she had still sent my share of prasad to my Mummy. After exchanging our greetings she told me how things have changed around, she told me about few of my brother's friends who had moved to hostel for further studies and about so many other things which I could not catch as I had again drifted into another world.


After bidding adieu to her I turned around and entered the park, finding the nearest bench I sat there remembering the times when all 3 of us kids had flown Kites with Papa and our friends on Independence Day. That hullabaloo was not there anymore, it was serene and the fragrance of flowers was every where. A new generation of kids were playing at the far end and I realized the good ol' times have slipped away just like sand from the hands.


This was no longer my Dadaji's Home, this was no longer where I belonged, this was no longer where I had imagined getting married like few of my cousins, so that I could get his blessings. The dream got lost into reality and the connection snapped.. !



Link to --> www.thebanyantrees.com

Sunday, August 8, 2010

* The Blame Game *

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Me: Why Me.. ??
He: It was your Choice, You knew what would happen.
Me: Yes.. but I hoped You would turn around things.. You could have made it better..
He:
Silence
Me: What..? Say something..
He:
Smile
Me: Yes, I knew it, but You know, I had imagined the better outcomes too.. You could have picked out of the ones I imagined..
He: You think I could have?

Me: Of course.. I mean.. Why not.. You can choose to do what ever you want !

He: I always leave it to you to make the choices, once I have showed where they lead you to !
Me: But.. You still can change the path or the destination if you want.

He:
Can I?
Me: OB.. You Can..
YOU ARE GOD.. So why did you NOT.. for me.. ?
He:
The Serene Smile
Me: Now what is this smile all about .. .. ?

He: You Know

Me: NO.. I don't..

He: Staring with the same Smile

We Both:
Laugh
He: Come on.. What about one of your miracles.. ?
He: You know it my Child
Me: What.. ??
He: Miracles Happen only if You have Faith in them.
Me: SIGH !! आपसे बहस में कौन जीत सकता है !
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I do wonder at times, If I actually have such conversations with HIM or is it I am talking to myself.. I know better.. I do connect with him ! There would be times when I would be talking to him all miffed up with something and he would calm me down with an embrace of cool, pleasant breeze or peck on my cheeks .. :) It would rain whenever I need it the most.. He would choose the perfect songs matching my mood or state of mind on the radio (You would say - Its the job of a Radio Jockey).. But there are so many such events/signals that happen every now and then..

Coming back to the conversation I had with Him... What do you think? Is it actually Us who choose or is it Him who makes the choices in our head.. Of course He is the one who has written everything beforehand for all of us and all we do is walk those paths.. "I don't think so.." What I believe is, he has written a Master Plan for us and has left to us what we do with it !
He shows us so many paths and leaves the choices to us.. He gives us a base and we with our own attitude (Positive or Negative) decide the course of our Lives..

I try not to be one of those who blame God for everything that happens in their Lives... I know if something is happening either it is because I chose it or its because of one of my own deeds in the past.. Yes, you thought it right.. Our Balance Sheets are maintained or call it our score board.. In fact I so much liked it in the movie - Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic.. the way Rishi Kapoor (playing the role of The God in the movie) fulfilled everyone's wishes.. Now what was his fault when your timings for the wishes were not perfect.. So watch out what and when you Wish for.. You never know when he grants you one..

Also, I do know that whatever be the case He is always there with me.. If I am right - He supports me, If I am wrong - He treads me towards the right path.. He wipes my tears when I cry and makes my eyes twinkle when I laugh.. I have always been and I shall always be Thankful to Him for all that he has given me in Life.. !